


I'm Your Kid!

by 5021Vicxo



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV 2020)
Genre: Alex Mercer Has Anxiety (Julie and the Phantoms), Alex Mercer Has Bad Parents (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex Mercer Whump, Alex Mercer's Parents Are Homophobic (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex Mercer-centric (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex's dad is a dick, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homophobic Language, Homophobic slurs used, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Minor Alex Mercer/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms), One Shot, Past Child Abuse, Self Harm, he cries a lot, im sorry, just tagging to make sure for tw, small suicide attempt mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-19 10:14:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29748966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5021Vicxo/pseuds/5021Vicxo
Summary: 'Change. Alex didn’t like change.' A night of reflection and panic leads Alex to reopen some old wounds, and for the boys to discover some hard truths about their friend.Alex struggles a lot - Im sorry!
Relationships: Alex Mercer & Julie Molina & Luke Patterson & Reggie Peters
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	I'm Your Kid!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so different fandom this time ! 
> 
> I've been writing this story since I first watched the show in October. I don't know what it is but something in my soul just found Alex and latched onto him.   
> I need to know more about his back story and I know his dad didn't acc hit him but I don't know something just drew me to write this pic like this. Yes I cried writing some parts and my baby Alex I'm sorry I did this to you.
> 
> Also yes, credits for 'Lukes song' goes to the creators/writers of Lemonade Mouth 'More Than a Band' it came on shuffle today and it just screamed the boys / Alex to me - so yeah I'm making you cry with me.
> 
> As always, any and all mistakes are mine,  
> Lemme know what you think!  
> Enjoy,  
> Vx

Change.  
Alex didn’t like change.  
And this was a pretty big change.  
After learning they had been dead for 25 years, he should be allowed to freak out just a little right?  
See, well, he’s always been a bit anxious, which didn’t get any better after the argument with his parents when they found him out.

*1994*

“Alexander! What is this!” His father shouted up the stairs at him.   
Sighing, Alex left his desk, where he was aimlessly tapping out a new beat with his fingers, and went downstairs to see why his dad seemed so mad.  
He didn’t know why; he had done his school work, his room was tidy and chores were done, he had also not put up a fight when his mom corrected his outfit last time they went out together.  
Stepping into the kitchen, he was greeted with a piece of paper being slammed down onto the counter top, “Care to explain this?”  
Alex gently grabbed the paper, recognition washing over him when he saw the rushed handwriting and the scribbled out title.  
“It’s nothing, just some lyrics. They’re nothing.” He stammered out.  
“This is not nothing, do you know what they say? Did you write them?”  
Alex just looked down at the counter top, his hands playing with the hem of his jumper.  
“Answer me!” his dad yelled.  
“Yeah.” he cleared his throat, continuing stronger, “Yeah I wrote them.”  
After a minute of silence, Alex built up the courage to look at his dad, and the look on his face would haunt him for the rest of his life. His dad was almost red with rage, he slammed his hand on the countertop once more, yelling out “You wrote them? You wrote a love song about a boy? A boy!” venom coating his words.  
Alex flinched back at the tone of his father's voice, his mom came rushing in at the noise.  
“What on earth is going on in here?”  
“Alexander, would you like to tell your mother or should i?”  
“Tell me what?”  
Alex could feel his breathing picking up, ‘how did this get so out of hand so fast?’ he thought to himself.  
“Here, read this” his dad said, passing the lyrics over to his mom.  
“ ‘hiding my truth makes my heart break, looking at him makes my heart race’ Alex… what?” she shook her head, confusion washing over her face.  
“It’s just lyrics mom.”   
“Him? Who's this him?” sadness filling her voice.  
“I don’t know mom. It’s just lyrics.”  
His father sat his mother down and turned back on Alex, anger on his face.  
“Don’t talk to your mother like that.”  
‘Ok, now he was confused. Why was his dad so mad?’  
“That is not how we raised you. THIS is not how we raised you. You’re not - you are NOT one of them.”  
“One of who, dad? I'm not what? Gay?” he sputtered out.  
He didn’t register that he had been slapped until he was looking further to the right than he had been earlier and the sharp sting sunk in. He raised his hand to cup the offended cheek, jaw dropping in shock, tears welling in his eyes. He looked back over at his father, letting out a soft “dad” which was met by a hard stare.  
“You are not. I will not have a faggot for a son”  
Alex felt as if he had been hit all over again.  
“Just go to your room. We will discuss this further tomorrow. You have school tomorrow.” His mom piped up, trying to calm the rising tension in the kitchen.  
Alex had never moved faster in all his life. Slamming the door to his room behind him, and throwing a few books off of his desk. He cried out when a worksheet caught his hand the wrong way and cut through a couple layers of skin. Pressing down on the wound he tried to slip to the bathroom to clean up. Making his way to the sink, he turned the cold tap on and looked up at himself in the mirror.  
Stupid.  
Fag.  
Wrong.  
He tried to get his breathing under control and found himself pressing harder on the cut. Aside from the sharp pain, Alex felt almost calm. Like this was a piece of him he could control. In a panic and rush to feel a bit of relief he grabs his father’s spare razor and makes a few slices near the inside of his elbow. Looking at the mess he had made on both his arm and the sink, he quickly cleans up and gets changed for bed and curling under the covers Alex found himself quietly sobbing to himself.  
‘Why can’t I just be normal’ was the last thought he had before sleep pulled him under.

His home life didn’t really get much better, which didn’t help his anxiety in any way. He was thankful that it was late fall so he could get away with the baggier and longer clothes, so he was able to hide the growing bruise and cut collection he had.  
His mom hadn’t really looked him in the eye since their little ‘chat’ in the kitchen, and his dad… well lets just say his dad wasn’t best pleased with it all and liked to remind Alex every chance he got.  
No matter how mad he got, his dad never hit him on the face since that first slap in the kitchen. Except that one slip up, he had caught Alex wailing on his drums one day after work and found the crumpled remains of song lyrics surrounding his kit and decided that would be the issue of the day and in his rage he threw the glass in his hand at the wall next to Alex’s head. Shattering on impact, a couple shards embedded themselves just beneath his eye, quickly bringing Alex out of his ‘zone’.  
“What the hell” he cried out, face paling once he realised who was in the room with him.  
“Should have moved. Try to live in the real world every now and again, get out of that little fantasy world you're in.” his dad replied, in a tone that suggested they were having a normal conversation.

By the time Saturday came around, Alex had successfully managed to avoid the rest of the boys for about two days now, a new record.  
But there was no avoiding practice so Saturday midday Alex found himself having to take grounding breaths before he could walk into their studio.  
Late.  
He realised that it was just Luke and Reggie today when he stepped through the door, head down, cap on, peak forward.  
“Dude, what happened?” Luke exclaimed.  
Well, he didn't hide that for long…  
“It’s nothing, don’t worry.”  
“No, Alex. Your eye, it’s -”  
“I know! Funnily enough, I can feel it.” he snapped.  
Reggie looked over, a curious and worried expression on his face, Luke looked like Alex had kicked his puppy.  
Sighing and shaking his head, Alex took another step towards his friends.  
“Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped. I messed up, dropped a glass in the sink like a clutz and it went everywhere. So I’d appreciate it if we could just ignore it.” he tried, letting out a small chuckle and a smirk.  
Luke looked skeptical but let it slide, giving Alex a fist bump with a soft “It’s alright man, we shouldn’t have pushed.”  
Alex shrugged it off, dropping his bag and heading to sit behind his drum kit, a sign for the other boys to get ready to start practising or writing.  
That was close he thought to himself stupid, not like they would care. 

About 3 weeks later, after a particularly big bust up with his dad, resulting in bruised ribs, a split lip, a black eye and a new cluster of lines on his arm, Alex was in the studio with Luke and Reggie. They had tried to figure out what was wrong with their friend but as usual he had some excuse for the problem.  
Luke had moved into the studio about 2 weeks ago after running out on his mom.  
Alex’s anxiety was at an all time high now; never knowing what his dad would do next, hiding everything from his two best friends, mentally beating himself up for not fighting back, for not standing his ground, for not leaving like Luke did.  
He could tell his drumming was no longer anywhere near what he should be playing, his hits getting more angry and frantic, needing to bash out his frustrations and thoughts.

Luke and Reggie shared concerned glances, tossing a few Alex’s way, but their playing dropped out when they saw the look on his face.  
Alex wasn’t in the room anymore.  
The boys were used to this, usually just letting him ride it out, knowing his drumming was his outlet.  
Alex finally clocked back in about 5 minutes later and looked at the others, a sorry expression on his face as he took a deep inhale, wiping his damp hair out of his eyes.  
“Sorry.” he whispered.  
“Yo, dude. Don’t apologise, just talk to us.” Luke said.  
“Yeah. Come on Alex, what’s up?” Reggie asked.  
Alex just shook his head, dried his hands on his trousers, “It’s nothing. Sorry, won’t happen again.”  
“Oh that’s bull Alex!” Luke yelled “you’ve been off for weeks, coming up with lists of excuses. What’s going on man? And don’t say you’re fine.” Luke snapped, noting the way Alex flinched back.  
“Alex?” Reggie tried in a softer tone, shooting a look in Luke’s direction.  
Alex mumbled a response.  
“What” and “huh” came back to him.  
Feeling like his chest was about to explode, Alex looked up at Luke and Reggie, his two best friends, and found a spot on the wall to focus on while they continued their supportive rambling.

“I’m gay” he finally yelled out.

He was met with silence. So he started to panic, everything his dad had said was true, they thought he was a freak, not natural, not normal.  
He quickly tried to get up from behind his drum kit, breathing speeding up as he frantically looked for his bag and jacket.  
He proceeded to word vomit as he did so, repeating phrases as he went about.  
“I’m sorry”  
“I’ll go”  
“It’s nothing”  
“I just messed up, somethings wrong but it's ok”  
“I’m sorry”  
“I’ll leave”  
“Just forget it”  
“Forget me”

That last phrase is what caught Luke’s attention, “Wait, what? Alex. Stop.” he pleaded, moving to stand in front of the shaking boy. Gently grabbing Alex’s arm, Luke again noticed the flinch.  
“Hey. What’s up? You know you can tell us anything.” he said in a soft low voice, eyes big and pleading.  
Alex just frantically shook his head, refusing to raise his head to meet Luke’s eyes.  
“It’s ok, Alex. Nothing’s wrong with you, there is no need to apologise.” he loosened his grip on his arm, changing to rest a hand on his shoulder, thumb rubbing his neck, “I’m proud of you, we’re proud of you”  
“Yeah, Alex. Thank you for telling us, we love you bro.” Reggie said, coming to rest his hand on Alex’s other shoulder.  
A sob bubbled its way up Alex’s throat, his legs going weak, leaving Luke and Reggie to catch him before he hit the ground. They managed to get him over to the couch, pulled out into a makeshift bed, sitting him down Luke and Reggie again shared concerned glances.  
“Alex. You gotta breathe, remember?” Luke and Reggie looked at eachother then back to Alex, fear on their faces.  
‘It has never taken this long to calm him down’ Luke thought.  
Reggie moved to be kneeling in front of Alex, taking both of his hands in his own. He gently rubbed the back of Alex’s hands with his thumb, methodically putting pressure on to help ground him. All while Luke continued his gentle ministrations.  
“Hey Alex? Buddy can you look at me?”  
Alex slowly turned his head.  
“Good, good. Do you think you can open your eyes for me?”  
Alex shook his head, scared for what he would see when he did.  
“It’s ok. It’s just me and Reg. Come on bud. Please”   
Hearing the pleading tone, Alex scrunched his eyes up before taking a breath and slowly opening them to look at Luke.  
“Hey, there he is,” Luke said, a small smile on his face, “you ok?”  
“You don’t hate me?” Alex said in a quiet voice, trying to divert his eyes.  
“Never.” Luke said strongly, dipping his head to refind Alex’s eyes “Hey. Alex. Never.”

They managed to get Alex to settle and decided that it was the perfect night to stay over in the garage. They found themselves curled around each other on the pull out bed, Alex in the middle, Luke and Reggie curled up at his sides. Touch seemed to be their love language and the three of them always relished in hugging or just holding each other and this felt like the perfect grounding technique.

It was two weeks later that Luke kissed him, trying to stop a panic attack, and then two weeks before their performance at the Orpheum that they decided to call it quits on whatever it was that they were. It was mutual, don’t get them wrong, but it still hurt.  
Luke was his person, he held him through every episode, through every time he ran away to the studio. He was there to hold Luke through his nightmares and panic attacks regarding his decision on leaving his parents.  
But Alex never told him about his dad, never told him about how he was afraid to go home and be anything but the perfect son. Never mentioned how he never felt comfortable in his own skin and half the time didn’t know who he was or who he wanted to be.   
Luke never found out about the self harm, or if he did he never mentioned it.

And then they died.  
And Alex had a breakdown for 25 years, and his boys didn’t hold him.

2020

So yeah… big change.

Did his parents even mourn him? Did they even care he was gone? They didn’t seem to care when was alive.

He was still trying to piece together everything that had happened in the few short months they had been ‘back’. He couldn't think of a better word for it, they weren't alive, they were dead but something had brought them back out of that dark room. So ‘back’ was the term he was going with.

All the boys were laying on the pull out bed in the studio, cuddling, Luke and Reggie either side of Alex, sleeping. But Alex couldn't, his mind was racing. Thinking over everything they had been through made his heart race, ‘could that even still happen?’ he thought.

“Well that's a new flavour.”  
“What are you doing in our studio?”  
“I cried in a room for 25 years and I didn’t get a single hug from either of you.”  
“Alex, your parents were never cool again after you told them you were gay!”  
“And we’re on the runway again.”  
“Don’t tell me how to ghost!”  
“Oh man, you dinged my board.”  
“Me and my bandmates… we all died...”  
“We prefer the term, ‘musician spirits’”  
“I’ve always had a hard time focusing. I’ve always been a little anxious and then I died… which did not calm me down.”  
“You’re wound a little tight, huh”  
“Is that why you started playing drums? To help with your anxiety?”  
“He taught me some things. Then we screamed in a museum.”  
“Pure Sunset Curve, never even heard of Trevor Wilson”  
“That’s Bobby!”  
“What he did was steal our legacy”  
“Willie tells me you boys have some magic of your own.”  
“Dude, you got a crush on Willie.”  
“Where do you think? Remember what today is”  
“Yeah Luke comes here a lot.”  
“Put me back in coach”  
“We never should have met.” “Wow, that hurts”  
“Hey, Alex. You alright?”  
“Because I care about you Alex.”  
“This seat taken?” “this whole thing sucks” “I would have still followed you”  
“I told you. I’d do anything for you.”  
“Isn’t it nice that you’re all here together? And believe me, everything you want, including Willie, is here.”  
“Alex! Show me what you got”  
“Whatever happens, even if I'm the last standing, imma stand tall, imma stand tall.”  
“We just… we had nowhere else to go”  
“You guys think we could try that hug thing one more time?”

“-ex!”  
“Alex!”  
“Alex! Hey Alex. Come on bud, you gotta breathe!”  
Luke was starting to panic as well, he had been trying to get Alex to calm down for about 10 minutes now and there didn't seem to be an end in sight. Reggie had sat up with Luke, feeling the shift in the bed. Seeing Alex, still lying on the bed, curled around himself while the two of them sat staring down at him broke their hearts.  
“Alex?”  
A strangled grunt was released out of the broken boy on the bed.  
“Come on bud. That's it. Come back to us. You’re safe here. It's just me. Hey it’s Luke and Reggie.” Luke tried to say in a comforting tone, moving one of his hands to Alex’s neck, rubbing gently to help ground him.  
Reggie placed a hand on his back, reminding him they were both there for him. He looked over to Luke, stressed and scared. “What happened?” he whispered.  
“I don’t know. I woke up when I heard him cry out then felt him move. From then it's been silence and him panicking and I can’t calm him down.” he rushed out.  
Giving each other another long look they decided that laying with him and holding him would be the best bet, as that always used to work when words didn’t.  
They resumed their positions on the bed; Luke curled into Alex’s front, placing his chin on his head, after pressing a gentle kiss into his forehead. Reggie was curled around Alex’s back, knees slotting together with his. Both boys had their arms wrapped tightly around the one in the middle, hands gently rubbing arms, backs and sides. Anything to try and calm him down.  
After a further few minutes they could feel Alex start to come back to them.  
A sob escapes him as he comes too and realises where he is. He curls further into Luke’s chest letting a soft “I’m sorry” fall from his lips.  
Luke pulls him in tighter, “you have nothing to apologise for. You hear me Alex? It's ok. You’re ok.”  
Alex started to squirm, needing to get out of the constricting hold he was in. Jumping out of the limbs that held him together, Alex started to pace, hands rubbing at his arms. Luke and Reggie sat up, staring, concerned.  
“You wanna talk about it?” Reggie finally said.  
Alex just shook his head, “it’s nothing” he mumbled out.  
“It’s clearly not though, Alex. It took way longer than usual to bring you back. What’s going on?” Luke said, trying not to let his frustrations out.  
“Yeah, last time you were this freaked out you told us you were gay” after that comment Reggie recieved a glare and a smack on the arm from Luke.  
“Dude.”  
“Sorry”  
“Alex. Hey, stop. You’re gonna hurt yourself.” Luke cried out, noticing that Alex had gotten his nails involved in scratching at his arms. Alex didn’t hear him or he was back to not listening so Luke stepped toward him and gently took both of his wrists and pulled them apart.  
Alex looked up, panic on his face, “I’m -”  
“If you finish that sentence with ‘fine’ Alex, I swear”  
Alex just looked ashamed, tugging his sleeves down back over his elbows.  
“Alex?” Reggie stepped forward, trying to get him to open up, “what was that about?”  
“Nothing. I just started thinking.”  
“About what?  
“Everything.” he shook his head, scoffing out a laugh “about before and now and how everything’s changed. I don’t know, I just couldn’t sleep.”  
Luke’s face fell, gently squeezing Alex’s hands, he caught his eyes again “Yeah, things may have changed but you know what hasn't?” he paused, “Us. We’re still here Alex and like before, we’re not leaving you”  
Alex looked between the two, biting at his lower lip, asking a small “You promise?”  
Reggie stepped forward, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder saying a strong “Promise”.  
Luke followed suit, moving one of his hands to gently hold a side of Alex’s neck, thumb rubbing at his jaw, also saying a strong “I promise.”

Alex welled up again and pulled his two boys in for another hug, all three chuckling slightly especially when Reggie cried out “can we go back to bed now please.”  
And so Alex found himself smushed in the middle of his two favourite people once again, only this time his head is quiet besides the reassuring words from his boys, and the soft whispers from Luke as they cuddle in for the night.

It was two weeks later when they were all hanging out in the studio, Julie being able to see Willie if one of her ghosts were touching him - cue cute couch hugs - when they started talking about visiting their families.  
Everyone knew how often Luke had been to see his parents, trying to make up for lost time, even if they didn’t know he was there.  
Reggie had tried to see his parents, they had divorced and his dad had moved which meant he could only see his mom, which he didn’t really mind all that much.  
Willie had asked Alex if he had been to see his parents and or when he was going to.  
Alex just paled and shrugged it off with a “maybe later”, to which Luke decided to point out that “his parents were never cool again after he told them he was gay.” which earned him a smack on the arm from Reggie and a glare then sad look from Alex.   
The mood in the room seemed to dip from there, Alex seemed to fall silent and closed off into his head while the boys tried to keep attention from him.

Alex hadn’t seemed to notice when Julie went to dinner or when Willie gently kissed him on the forehead and poofed out. He didn’t notice when the boys had started to tidy away some of their stuff or when they tried talking to him.  
He finally came to when Luke crouched in front of him and placed a hand on his knee, voice coming out a lot harder than usual when he called out to get his attention.  
“Alex. Hey, come on man, come back.”  
Alex responded by flinching backwards, curling his knees to his chest, crying out saying “Stop dad, I’m sorry!”  
Luke jumped back, startled by the words. Reggie hung back, a sad but almost understanding look on his face.  
“Alex?”  
“I’m sorry. Please don’t dad.” Alex started mumbling repeating different phrases, but mainly surrounding the idea of his dad and stopping.  
Luke was freaking out. What was going on?   
Reggie and Luke shared a look, each taking a step away from him, crouched and showing their hands, palms forward, demonstrating they weren’t going to hurt him, that they wanted to help.  
Luke spoke first again, tone soft “hey Alex? It’s ok, it’s just me, it’s Luke and Reggie. Alex, you’re ok.”  
“Yeah Alex, you gotta breathe, remember. It’s 2020. You’re in the studio. Come on, come back to us.” Reggie added.

After a minute or so, Alex seemed to come back to his senses as a sob clawed its way out of his throat. He looked around the room, trying to remind himself that no he wasn’t back there, he wasn’t with his parents, he was here, in the studio with his boys. He was safe here.  
“I’m sorry guys”  
“Hey, it’s ok. You don’t have to apologise, remember.”  
“Okay.” he said quietly.  
Luke and Reggie shared another look, both wanting to move to comfort the other boy but not wanting to overstep.  
Luke decided to ask first “Hey, bud? Can we come closer?”  
Alex just let out a small nod in response. Both boys moving closer, not touching just yet, again respecting boundaries.  
“Want to tell us what that was about? You can talk to us. You’re always saying that talking it out can help, so wanna try it?” Reggie said, tone light.  
“I dunno. Um - I -” Alex started to stammer.  
Luke took a risk and brought up what Alex had said earlier “What did your dad do to you Alex? Why did you tell me - him - to stop?”  
“It’s nothing. Just drop it.”  
“I’m sorry. Can’t do that Alex. Sorry.” Luke said with a shrug, not caring about the consequences at this point, just needing to know if Alex is ok.  
Alex could feel himself getting angrier, however, his frustrations rising with each prying comment.   
“I said drop it, alright. Jesus Christ no wonder your mom stopped speaking to you!” he finally yelled out, tone harsh.  
Luke scoffed, face full of sadness and regret “that’s not fair.”  
“No. You know what’s not fair? Pushing. You keep pushing and pushing. God, I’d rather take one of Caleb’s jolts than listen for another second.” he couldn’t seem to get his mouth to stop moving. “Why do you want to save everyone? Huh? Always helping people, and pushing. Why? Too afraid to sort your own shit out that you gotta do everyone else's?” he seethed with a bitter chuckle.  
“Oh fuck you Alex, stop changing the subject. Stop shutting yourself off to any emotion especially what you're supposed to be feeling right now.” Luke threw back.  
Alex however could not seem to stop, his anger from the past 25 or so years coming out and aiming for Luke.  
“Oh please, do tell me, what is it I’m supposed to be feeling right now? We’ve been dead for 25 years, you’ve both seen your parents, I don’t even know if I have a grave to visit, I’m finally in a place where I’m allowed to be gay and I can’t even do that right. I’ve tried to feel sad, scared, anything other than this anger and anxiety about the fact that I’ve lost 25 years and the one thing I want to do, more than anything right now, I can't. I’m trying Luke. I'm trying my best here”   
“Well maybe your father was right and your best just isn’t good enough.” Luke all but screamed back at him.  
Alex visibly flinched away from Luke at this point, Reggie finally stepping in, shaking with fear and anxiety.  
“Enough! Guys stop! What the hell is going on?”  
“It’s him, I can’t - he won’t -” Luke huffed “you’re just like your dad. Throwing angry words and spiteful comments to make yourself feel powerful, putting others down to avoid the truth just like dear old dad wh-”  
“I told you that in confidence” Alex cut him off, voice cracking, breath hitching.  
Reggie noticed this, like he noticed the flinch.   
“Hey guys, come on. That’s enough. Just back off. Lets just sit and talk it out, calmly.” he tried.  
“I don’t wanna talk!” Alex yelled, voice low with a hint of panic.  
“Oh my God, Alexander!” Luke growled, knocking a cup off of the coffee table to his right. The sound of it smashing off the floor was met with a flinch and a loud sob from Alex, a sharp intake of breath from Reggie and a concerned stare from Luke.  
Luke took in the silence, the room and his best friends. He knew Reggie’s family history, knew he hated it when the other two argued, so he understood the flinch. But taking in the way Alex was now holding himself, the way he reacted to some of the words more than others in the comments Luke threw his way was off putting but enlightening.  
His eyes widened in sorrow and recognition.  
“Oh my god Alex. Did your dad hit you?”  
Alex felt like the air was sucked out of the room. He started mumbling and stumbling over words, not knowing what to say, panic taking over him.  
“Alex?”  
“Sometimes” he managed to whisper out, “but it’s ok, you know, cause I deserved it half the time.”   
Luke was taken aback, Reggie just sat down in silence, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.  
“What? You - he - what?” Luke tried to sort his thoughts out, Alex’s dad used to hit him, none of the boys knew, and he thought he deserved it? What the fuck?  
“How long?” silence “Alex. How long?” Luke kept on pushing.  
“About a year.” Alex said quietly, he was keeping his head down, not knowing if he wanted to see their faces, their reactions.  
Turns out, however, he doesn’t need to look up to know their reactions.  
“Was it the year before we died?”  
Alex nodded, running his shaking hands through his hair.  
“Alex. I’m gonna come closer, alright? I’m just gonna put my hand on your knee.” Luke did as he narrated, Alex not stopping him.  
“I’m sorry bud, but I gotta ask. When did it start and why do you think you deserved it?” He asked in a small but comforting voice.  
Alex took a breath and stammered, not able to find the words.  
“Was it before you came out to us?”  
A nod was tossed in Reggies direction, answering him.  
“He - uh - he found some - um - lyrics I had written but forgot to change the pronouns for. I don’t know how because they weren't on the side like the others. I talked back, I argued, and he hit me so it’s my fault.” he said.  
Luke and Reggie shared another glance, concern and anger flowing through them both.  
Reggie stayed silent, Luke would know what to say.  
“That’s not - you - that’s not an excuse to hit you.”  
Realisation floored him when he remembered all the times Alex turned up to rehearsal wincing in pain, or avoiding them at school, or appearing at the studio more nights then not, crying.  
“The glass in the sink. That wasn’t true? And every other excuse you made, everytime you flinched or winced in pain, it wasn't a headache or muscle strain from ‘wailing’ on your drums. They were all lies?”  
Alex bit his lower lip as he raised his eyes to meet Luke’s, shrugging his shoulder with a tiny glimmer of a smile, “guess I should have tried out for the school play after all, better actor than we all thought, eh?”  
Luke let out a broken sigh “Alex.”  
“It’s ok. It happened, I died, can we move on?” He rushed out, stepping away from the boys to find his drum sticks, his hands needing to do something to distract him before he did something he would regret.  
Reggie watched him twirl the sticks in his hands. He watched as Luke sat defeated on the couch. He knows why Alex is acting the way he is, why he reacted the way he did. He had been fighting himself and his dad for so long that eventually he had to snap, and if they were who he was going to yell at, well Reggie couldn’t help but feel a little honoured as it meant that Alex trusted them enough to have actual emotions in front of them.

The awkward silence lasted the rest of the evening and into the late hours of the next day, Reggie escaping into the Molina house, camping on the couch to get away from the tension between Luke and Alex. Alex had poofed out and was wandering the streets of LA, too afraid of what he would see when he closed his eyes. Luke was sitting on the couch in the garage, scribbling lyrics down in his notebook, gently strumming his acoustic, needing to do anything to calm him and stop him from worrying about Alex.

Luke thought back to before they died, when they were just kids messing around in their friends' garage, waiting to make it big. He knew they all had pretty shitty parents, what with Reggies parents being one fight away from a divorce and his mom and himself arguing all the time about who knew best for him, but never did he imagine Alex’s life to be how it was. His parents were usually pretty strict but at times easy going, they let Alex come to band practise, let him hang out on the weekends and after school as long as his homework was done on time. He couldn’t figure out where it had gone wrong. Sure his parents were religious, but Alex was their kid, their son. They loved him? Right?  
‘Wrong’ he thought. Maybe they had but they couldn’t see him as anything other than their little boy with anxiety and maybe they didn’t want to believe that he was gay because then that meant that they cared or that there was another thing wrong with him. 

He knew there was something more going on during the times when he would show up to band practice with a new bruise or holding himself different. He had a feeling that Alex was struggling with something but never pushed. Was it that he believed Alex or that he just didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to see the possibility of his best friend and once boyfriend was struggling more than he let on. Was he really that terrible of a person, that wrapped up in his own shit that he couldn’t have pulled him on it just once.  
He kept shaking his head, tears of frustration dripping off his chin periodically, frustration at himself, at Alex, at Alex’s parents, at the 90’s, at the whole situation. He found himself writing and scribbling thoughts, words and errors into the late hours of the morning, before leaning back in the chair smiling sadly to himself.

Alex found himself walking the streets of LA for hours, getting lost, turning down streets, rounding corners till he had no idea what time it was and no idea of where he was. He had been trying not to dry for as long as he could, until he found himself stood in an alleyway. Alone. He started pacing hearing his fathers voice yelling at him to ‘man up’ and to ‘get over it’ “stupid. Stupid!” he yelled out pacing till his anger got the best of him and he turned and threw his fist at the wall to the side of him. He yelled out as he turned and grunted after he made contact with the hard brick wall, bringing his throbbing hand to his chest. In a sort of blind rage he turns back to the wall and punches it, hits it till the fight leaves his body, until he slides down the wall sobbing into his knees.  
He thinks about home, not the boys and the garage but his first home. His parents, his bedroom, his first drum kit. He felt a tug in his chest, painful and yearning. Alex closed his eyes and rubbed a hand across his chest, ‘this feels familiar’ he thought, mind running back to the jolts from Caleb and his stamp. He felt the air shift around him, a weird buzzing noise rang in his ears - that was usual when he was jumping from one place to the next.  
When the pain in his chest had subsided, Alex drew in a breath as he opened his eyes to find himself sitting against a wall in his parents living room.   
“What the fuck” he couldn’t help but breathe out.

The room had barely changed in the 25 years he hadn’t seen it, there were some new pictures on the walls, the tv had changed but everything else was weirdly similar.  
Walking round the room, Alex headed up the stairs towards his old bedroom but found the door was locked as he tried to turn the handle to enter. Sighing and turning away, Reggies voice echoed in his mind “Dude, you’re a ghost. Just poof out.” and shaking his head, he did just that.   
It was tidy.  
His room was tidy. Things were put away, his drawers and drums covered, his posters taken off the walls, everything was either put away or covered. And Alex couldn’t figure out what it was he was feeling at this new information.  
Had they covered things up to keep it tidy or to hide him, to cover him up, as though he never existed? The locked door. Was it because they couldn’t handle going in there or they didn’t want anyone to know about the anxious gay little kid who spent most of his life hiding in that room.  
He felt himself growing angry and tearing up again so quickly poofed out and back to the living room, where he quickly stopped in his tracks, whole body tensing, breath leaving him.

There, not 2 meters from him, stood his father. The man who raised him for 16 years then hated for his final. And Alex didn’t know what to do. He knew his father couldn’t see him, couldn’t hear him but for the life of him he couldn’t bring himself to move for fear of more rage being unleashed on him.  
“Dad?” he said, quietly. To which he received no response, obviously.  
“Dad” he said louder, almost yelling. He knew he wouldn’t get a response but something in him told him to try again.  
He stayed back and watched as his father turned to a stand beside the television, and sighed as his face relaxed a bit.  
Alex was confused, what was he looking at, what was on that table that was so important that his father seemed drawn to it?  
That’s when Alex took a closer look and saw a set of his old drumsticks, laying slightly crossed over themselves with a lock of golden blonde hair tied with a red ribbon in front of a picture of himself. What surprised him most was that he had never seen that picture of himself, didn’t even know it existed. He was sitting behind his drum kit, his cap on backwards like always, a huge smile on his face as he twirled one of his drumsticks between his fingers. He let a smile come to his face as he realised the mini shrine they had created for him, in their home, their most communal room.  
That warmth and happiness was overcome with frustration and resentment however as he turned to face his father, face red with rage, tears beginning to fall once more.

“Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?” he huffed and shook his head.  
“I died. All it took for you to care was for me to die? Or is this moms idea and you just went along with it to keep her happy? Because yeah maybe she can get over the gay thing but you couldn’t, but her only son, her only kid died and as her husband you hvae to let her mourn that.” he shook his head again, trying to make it make sense.  
“All I ever wanted was for you to love me! I tried. I tried time and time again to be the good kid, to not be a problem. I stuck in at school, aced my tests and was even in a band. I was going to make you proud, a kid you could go boast about and tell stories to your buddies in bars with a smile on your face. I kept my head down, I didn’t stick out. I kept hidden for you! So that you wouldn’t be ashamed of having a faggot for a son. I tried everything I could to get you to love me, but you couldn’t do it.” he stopped his rant as a sob burst out of his mouth.  
Taking calming breaths he tried to continue, needing to get it all off of his chest, say everything he wanted to for as long as he could remember.  
“I hated myself. I hated myself so much because the one person that was supposed to love me, the one person I thought I could always count on to be there for me no matter what, was ashamed of me, disgusted. I wanted to die, so badly, just to make the pain stop. But that would just add to the list of things to be ashamed of me for. So I could never do it, no matter how many times I tried.” he huffed again, needing to draw in more air, wiping some tears off his chin before they dropped.  
“I just wanted you to be my dad. Why couldn’t you just love me?” he couldn't seem to calm down, his rage growing, he felt like he needed to hit something, and so without thinking picked up a glass off the table and threw it at the wall. His father jumped at the noise and turned to where the shards now lay on the floor. He didn't see the glass move, too busy trying to sit down on the couch and looking for the remote, which didn’t stop Alex from his rage fueled speech. Alex watches as his father picks up the shards, muttering something under his breath, something which sounded like “damn it Alexander” but he tried not to focus too hard on that one.   
He knew he needed to get out of here, needed to go back to the boys, for he knew they would no doubt be beyond the point of worry and would be thinking the worst, but he also knew he needed to calm down and only his boys knew how to do it when he was this far into an episode. So he turned back to his fathers face before scoffing out one final statement “I’m your kid! What was so hard about just accepting and loving me anyways?”  
He waited for a minute, stood there with his father in silence for a minute. Hoping and praying for a response, for anything which would answer the burning questions he has. When he finally managed to talk himself into understanding that no he was not going to get an answer because no his father could not see him, he felt himself fall into another round of tears as he jumped himself back to the studio, back to his boys, not caring about the state he would be in once he landed on the couch in the studio.

“Alex! Oh my god man! We’ve been worried sick!” Luke chastised before turning to get a proper look at him, “woah, Alex? Hey, what’s wrong?”  
Alex just shook his head and flinched away, another sob ripping its way out of his throat, before he reached out and pulled Luke close to him.  
“Ok, it’s ok. Hey, you’re alright.” he said calmly as he maneuvered them into a lying position on the pull out bed. Luke pulled Alex into his chest, kissing his forehead softly and whispering small words of comfort and telling him a story Julie had told him to try and get Alex to relax enough so that he could breathe properly or sleep. Both would be good, as he is sure he hasn’t done too well at getting enough of both since he ran out yesterday. He feels Alex relax into him, calming his breathing and falling into a light sleep. Luke follows shortly, feeling calmer and happier now that Alex was back.

About an hour and a half later Luke was awoken by Reggie and Julie gently shaking his shoulder, “is he ok?” Reggie asked, voice low and gentle, a sad smile on his face.  
“Yeah,” Luke whispered back, “I don’t know, he just poofed back in here sobbing and wasn’t talking so I just dragged him to lie down, always used to work and I guess we fell asleep.”  
Julie cooed, the boys had told her that Alex was struggling with something, not wanting to break the boys trust in them as they didn’t divulge any specifics and Julie just accepted that as that and immediately got on board with what Luke had planned.  
“Want us to set things up so you can wake him?” she offered, to which Luke just smiled and nodded his agreement to, before turning back to the blonde on his chest.  
“Alex? Hey Lex? Come on bud, time to wake up.” he said, slowly pulling himself out from underneath him to lay a hand on his shoulder, a thumb rubbing at his jawline.  
After a few minutes of gentle coaxing, Alex finally opened his eyes, and rubbed his hands over his face before groaning and shaking his head.  
“I know bud. You don't have to talk, it’s ok.” Luke said, knowing that when Alex got like this, sometimes it was hard for him to talk, other times he didn’t want to, so the boys learnt certain cues over time that helped them to understand and help when Alex got in this stage of an episode.  
“You’re ok. We’re not mad, just worried about you.” Alex looked down at that, hating that he had made them all worry, Luke seemed to pick up on this so gently held his chin, pulling his face upwards so that he was looking him in the eyes, “we’re good, you’re good, it’s ok.” Alex smiled softly and nodded his head, Luke finally getting through to him.  
“Ok, so why don’t we go sit with Jules and Reg? Yeah? How does that sound?” he offered up, Alex nodded and tugged on his hand before the two boys smiled at each other and made their way to the cushions in a circle on the floor. Alex raised a questioning brow when Luke pulled out his acoustic guitar, Luke didn’t answer him so he turned to Reggie, knowing he could make him break with the puppy dog eyes.  
“Well, when you kinda ran out, I slept on the couch in the house, and Luke couldn’t sleep and did what he does best. We don’t really know words but we know music. And so he wrote this for you. And then enlisted us to help.” he rushed out, a smile popping up onto his face as he finished his last sentence.   
Luke just chuckled and shook his head, lovingly. No one said anything else as he started to strum on the strings, playing the first few chords.  
Julie's soft voice started to flow through the room,

‘I can't pretend  
To know how you feel  
But know that I'm here  
Know that I'm real  
Say what you want  
Or don't talk at all  
I'm not gonna let you fall’

Luke and Reggie joined in on the chorus,

‘Reach for my hand  
'Cause it's held out for you  
My shoulders are small  
But you can cry on them too  
Everything changes  
But one thing is true  
Understand  
We'll always be more than a band’

Luke started the next phrase on his own, sending a knowing look to Alex,

‘You used to brave the world  
All on your own  
Now we won't let you go, go it alone  
Be who you wanna be  
Always stand tall  
Not gonna let you fall’

Before they all joined back together for the chorus. Alex wiped a new round of tears from his cheeks, his knees had been pulled up to his chest during the first phrase when Julie sang, now he rested his chin on his arms over his knees.  
They kept singing sharing harmonies and melodies between the three of them, before it came to the last phrase, where Luke dropped his voice lower, softer and held his contact with Alex’s wide, sad but loving eyes,

‘Reach for my hand  
'Cause it's held out for you  
My shoulders are strong  
But you can cry on them too  
Everything changes  
But one thing is true  
Understand  
We'll always be more than a band’

As he strummed the last note on the guitar, Luke saw the tears in everyone's eyes, saw the caring adoration from Julie, the soft stare from Reggie, knew his was a mix of the two, and the wide glassy eyes shining back at them from Alex as they flickered around the three people in front of him.

“You don’t have to say anything, just keep listening. We love you, Alex, ok? We do. We love you for you and we, I, can never understand how someone couldn’t, how your father couldn’t. You don’t have to keep fighting and carrying this alone. You have me and Reggie, you’ve always had me and Reggie. But now you have Julie, ok and she’s a good listener and she can help. Things are different now, and yeah that’s scary, change is scary but you gotta lean into it, lean on us.” Luke explained.

Julie chimed in with “yeah, Luke’s right Alex. I know things have changed for you guys and you didn’t have the best time growing up, but I’m here, I can help. Please let us help you carry some of it.”

Alex was still struggling to find his voice, tears were still streaming as their speeches were filling him with more warmth - if that was even possible after the song - but he found himself unable to stop smiling. He nodded and opened his arms up for a group hug, which everyone was too eager to accept.

And that’s how Willie found them two hours later, curled up in a cuddle ball on the floor, napping, before he joined in, resting his head against Alex’s, running a hand through his hair.  
Alex roused slightly at this, looking around at the bodies surrounding and encompassing him on the floor, all with some degree of tear stains on their faces and found himself softly smiling to himself again.

‘Yeah… I think I’m gonna be alright’ he thought to himself, before pressing a kiss to Willie’s forehead and gripping Luke’s hand, kissing the crown of Julie’s head and curling one of his legs more round one of Reggie’s.

‘I got my band. My family. We’ll be ok.’


End file.
